Beatboxtaun

I had a second dream about my father, since his passing. The first dream I had was very brief and while he was in my dream, he didn't talk, he was just present. This morning, my dream is vivid and I want to jot it down, before I forget it. This is important to me, so I thought I would blog about it.

It started off that I was in the black Element dropping the boys both off at the middle school. Of course this is odd, because only one goes to middle school, but that's the way dreams work of course. I was outside of the Element talking to my dad, who had followed me, to say bye to the boys and see them off. I remember that little Tito was saying that his stomach hurt and I, for some reason, was still trying to make him go to school. When I noticed that he wasn't getting out of the car, I figured I'd let him stay home and my dad and I were talking while we watched Benji walk up to school and we were waving at him. My dad was happy and smiling and laughing, all the while.

It seemed like we were there talking for quite a while, as though Benji was taking a long time to get inside. But, none of that time felt long in the dream, because my dad and I were just, for the lack of a better phrase..."shooting the sh*t". And of course, Benji was actually back in the car with us....dreams, gotta love 'em.

When we were driving back home, apparently my mom was all of the sudden there and was driving us. I then realized that it was snowing. I remember looking at a house and a little girl was rolling around in the snow and then would roll in the leaves (since, oddly, they would stick to her with snow as its glue) and then she'd go to her dad and dust it off in a pile in front of him. I thought it was funny in my dream because that was a new and fun way of raking.

My mom took a wrong turn and went down the street before mine, so she figured she'd just go down and come back up my street, the opposite direction. I looked off to the right and saw this house that I admired previously (not in real life). I was in love with it. I remember Tito saying, "Mom, you always stare and talk about that house." I remember seeing the "For Sale" sign and wished I could buy it. Small detail, but I want to recall every little detail of the dream that I remember, for my future reference.

We got home and we were all going to sit down to eat at a long brown table and Gusto's family was there too. I remember my dad followed us home in my mom's truck (that was his in the dream) and he was there. But then I was watching a video, that was not on a TV or anything, I just remember watching a video that was taped and I puckered up to kiss my dad and was waiting for him to lean in and kiss me back. He was talking and being silly and then realized that I was waiting and he leaned in and kissed me back. We were laughing on the video. Then I realized that I was watching it and my mom said something like, "That made him very happy before he died. He felt like he could let go." I remember walking out in the snow to just go outside and think.

That was the end of my dream, or what I remember to be the end of my dream, anyway. I didn't think much into it, but I was happy that I dreamt about him. It was my way of seeing him again, real or not. Looking back at it now, it was very special for more reasons than just seeing him and having some laughs together.

We all know that sometimes we know that we're dreaming and we try really hard to control our dream, but that was not the case this time. While I was dreaming, it felt real. It also wasn't like one of those dreams where you wake up and call people to verify occurrences because it felt so real, but rather, I didn't know I was dreaming, until I awoke. The snow was very meaningful. My parents came over to visit on December 18th, a Sunday night, and we talked about a lot of cool things. My dad passed away the next morning on the 19th. We were talking about how deep snow used to be when I was little and how when it snows now in EL Paso, it's nothing compared to then. He was telling Gusto that he remembers my brother and I would be running and playing outside with Paco, our dog, and the snow would be to our knees. He also recalled the pictures they have of that. It snowed the day his first memorial was supposed to happen, December 23rd. My mom was upset, but I was happy. I immediately thought back to that conversation with my dad and felt like the snow was a blessing and a gift. His viewing was moved back because of the snow. I thought how weird it was that it was snowing in my dream. This was not a dream that I was conscious of occurrences, until I woke up.

I also remember when my dad was talking to me outside of the kids' school, I don't know what he was saying. I remember his mouth moving, seeing him smile, and everything else, but when I look back at it, I heard nothing coming out of his mouth. I didn't realize that in the dream though. I clearly remember Tito talking to me and hearing his voice when he was telling me about the house I was admiring, and my mom talking to me, but not my dad. I just saw him having fun and being happy, the way he usually was. Well, my dad was a complainer, but he was always smiling. If that makes sense. That was just my dad.

As I was making coffee, immediately after waking up, I had a song in my head. You know when you have the most random songs and you don't think anything about it? I had Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are" in my head. I was going to add that video to this blog, just for my records of the morning, but as I started listening to the words, since it's been such a long time since I've heard the song, I got really misty eyed and broke down. I just thought of it as a song he was singing for a girl, but these parts hit me....


[My dad, at Tito's first orchestra recital, about a week and a half before his passing, doing the Sonic thumbs up pose with little Zion]

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

I'll be honest here, my dad and I didn't always get along. There was a long time where I was bitter with him. I would pray for my bitterness to cease for quite a while. A couple years ago, out of the blue, I realized that it was gone, and it had been gone for quite a while. I had nothing to do with that, because I was unable to get rid of it myself. In a plan bigger than my own, I was able to share some wonderful years with my father before his passing. While embarrassed of that time, I'm glad that I was given time with him, without bitterness. So I am thankful that I can share that now. We stuck together through it all.

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

Of all the mornings that I wake up with that song in my head. I don't recall if my dad even liked that song. I know my mom did. Plus, it's usually Ricky Martin's "Vida Loca" in my head, because I think about that song when I think about the PS Vita. "Living la Vita loca!" Anyway, I know this is long and do not expect anyone to read it all, I wanted to keep this for my reference.

I will add more pictures of my dad to this soon.